Excerpt from Carefree, Book 1 It Starts With Open

When I got back from Carefree, the real work of being the new me in everyday life began. As I write in It Starts With Open, “a spiritual awakening has many ups and downs.”

Within the stories of mystical experiences and everyday miracles are many, many moments of struggle, pain, worry, hiding and a LOT of procrastination. Although I was enjoying a magical life, I still had much to sort in my life here on earth.

June 14, 2015Journal Entry

Do you ever wake up and wonder if that feeling of being alone will ever go away? So yes, I have hit my next plateau and yes, it’s a hard slog and my body has dug in hard with resistance. I pretty much felt like puking through my meditation last night. I overcame because I have strong will, and I am determined not to let my old addictions win, but it was scary and lonely and I woke up sad and angry.

I had no one to share that with who would understand these emotions are transitory. Who would point out that I’ve gotten through worse and emerged chatting with a cardinal? Who would hold my hand through it and remind me of who I am.

Maybe I need to let more people into my inner world?  Everyone thinks I have my shit so together. No one knows I have days when my world collapses around me and I feel like everything I’m doing is pointless. I am so accustomed to working my shit out on my own and I know I can and I know I have good people around me to help and I’m just being stupid, but today I woke up wanting more than that and it just feels like a long, lonely life ahead of me.

That meditation when I almost vomited from physical pain proved to be groundbreaking. My body was releasing trapped energy and it was physically painful. Many people hit walls like this and some will stop out of fear, or bail on their meditation because it’s so far from the “ommm” experience we believe a meditation should be. I was clearing out emotions around a person who had literally tormented my thoughts for years. I’d ignored all of my intuition about staying in contact with this bully and kept making excuses for behavior that felt awful to the people around us. 

Until we clear our patterns the same people will show up in our lives, just wearing different body suits.

I knew my body might fight me rather than change, as it’s  conditioned to keep me where I am. We learn to use our will to push through when things like this happen, as it takes conscious effort to overcome old patterns.

I wasn’t really thinking about classroom learnings while battling this inner demon and what Dr. Joe might suggest didn’t exactly come to mind when my body froze into a contorted position. I don’t know what I looked like, but I do recall wondering what my kids would do if they came downstairs only to discover their mother sitting catatonic on the couch.

In the middle of those thoughts I started to have difficulty breathing. Not only was I frozen in one position, I was panicking because I couldn’t get air into my lungs. Now I was wondering if my kids would find me dead on the couch!

I’d like you to be able to appreciate the humour in this story. The reason I can tell it while laughing is because although I was in it…I was also observing it. My physical body was completely panicking, while my higher-self awareness knew I was perfectly safe.

What did I do in the depths of despair? I decided to ask for help. Over and over and over in my head I said the words, “help me, help me, help me.” 

And help arrived. 


That’s what it feels like to surrender. 

I am well trained, yet the tools I had in this physical realm simply could not clear out the misery and agony of this person’s abuse, lies and betrayal.

In asking for help – and allowing it to come – I learned to do something I’d absolutely sucked at for years. And the reward was the loving presence of guides who lifted the pain and filled my body with light. 

The next time I saw my prior tormentor at a meeting she looked right through me, almost like she didn’t recognize me. We ended up sitting beside each other later and she was completely pleasant. Regular contact stopped and eventually we faded away from each other.

This happened naturally and gradually. There was no drama, no guilt, no need for closure. We simply stopped resonating at whatever vibration had brought us together for years. We were gone from each other’s lives.